Finally! I thought. Finally!
As soft, familiar rhythms of meditative melody drift past my awareness, a rush of scintillating sensation poured through the center of my chest, cascading throughout my body in ripples of excitement. A rainbow explosion of light and color cascade behind my closed eyes, and my breaths become Life once more. I say ‘finally’ because after too long immersed in life struggles it seems that I have become mired in a space of emptiness. And just when I felt my heart permanently hardened, a breakthrough at last.
Though completely functional, I had a feeling my life was slowly seeping away from me. Over time I built a protective shell of nothingness to keep the challenges of the world at bay. But recently, inspired by a safe and quiet space in my life, I began the intention to clear away resentment and convictions born of fear. After some time dedicated to letting go, I’m coming back to life after spending far too long numbed by despair and disappointment.
It was a choice, I will admit that. Several years ago when concerns over job loss and financial stability toppled two decades of carefully nurtured spiritual convictions, it was by my own choice that I fell into fear-based doubts which sadly resulted in stressful relationships based on survival; both professional and personal.
What brought me back to clarity? Three simple words: I love you. Not I love you person or I love you thing or I love you idea or even I love you potential future. Rather, just the simple resonance of I Love You projected inward, continuously, over and over, aimed first into my heart center.
Initially the words meant nothing. I could not feel a thing as they silently bounced around the black cavern that had become my heart space. And, nothing happened. It was as though the words were swallowed up in a black hole … making no impact, no echo, no nothing. Scarcely could I recall what the idea of love meant before, much less remember how it felt to actually ‘love’ something or someone. Although I knew I had obligations based on love, I no longer could feel what that meant emotionally. Determined to awaken too long dormant emotion and feeling, I persevered. I followed my inner ‘hunch’ knowing that the idea of Love is more powerful than just four letters in a word. And by putting Love between I and You, an action is created, a movement of energy which helped to build a momentum of healing, a correction of thought.
Every morning I projected ‘I Love You’ into my heart, into my aches, into my mind, into my reactions. Silently I projected ‘I love you’ into the space between me and the people in my life, the people I met, the people I passed by on the street. Nothing happened which didn’t have ‘I love you’ proceeding it and following it. Slowly a light began to twinkle, sparking to life just under my breastbone. I could feel something budding at the center of my heart, awakening in the darkness. The sensation of coming back to life happens gradually, like feeling returning to a limb that has fallen asleep.
Every day the sense of aliveness gets stronger, more continuous, more reliable. After days, perhaps weeks of nurturing and cultivating, that tiny bud of inspiration bloomed fully in the gentle light of Creation. Love burst fully into my heart like the sun rising to warm the earth after a long cold winter.
And, so I will continue to project ‘I Love You’ to my self, to every moment, to every person to every thought … until I am utterly and completely engulfed in the unknown of Love’s true purpose.